My case wasn't very heroic: I didn't go out for the first time on Sunday march simply because I got very drunk the day before and woke up still drunk. I felt so bad that I had to accept that I shouldn't go. That's when I first experienced this feeling, I missed the Sunday march for the first time. I was monitoring the news all day and worrying. At the end of the day, I was exhausted from stress. Then I wondered... What is it? For everyone, the Sunday march is such an important experience. There is a strong faith in what is happening. You want to be there. You want to support. You want to help, but you don't know how. This is not a very pleasant feeling: as if your friends are being beaten up and you are locked at home.
Frankly speaking, I still think that being at the march is easier than sitting at home and watching the news. Now, I have become much calmer. But the first time (and when we were in Kyiv) I clearly understood that I felt as comfortable as possible attending the march alone. I know exactly where I am, and what is happening. My internal controller is on, I assess the environment, set up strategies. While when you are at home, this controller tries to turn on, but it only hurts you. You are trying to control a situation that is out of your control. You are powerless in it. Also being at home you have to force yourself to calm down, to turn off your restless mind, which actually never stops.
This clear sense of continuous danger You get very tired of it. Moreover, you do not understand this right away. For a while, you feel comfortable with it, and just then you realize that you don't have any strength left. In addition, you also feel permanent anger and a feeling of hopelessness about everything that is happening. Being just a little man, you stand in front of a huge power machine, and you try to hit it, but your hits mean nothing to this machine. This state is quite hard for me. And it is hard for many people.
And it doesn't disappear, because it is provoked by the news as well. It also does not disappear, because you still have Sundays, when you remember that there are many of you and that you will overcome everything. Though, exactly from Monday to Friday, you are in such a state… The government strikes back, everyone gets detained and people simply disappear.
Monday has become a hangover day for me. Very challenging. Firstly, you get physically tired on Sunday, because you walked all day. Secondly, you have an emotional hole, because on Sunday everyone comes out, on Sunday everything is so awesome! Then, on Monday, you see the lists of detainees, you see how many people were hospitalized. Besides the fact that you were overjoyed the day before, the news is chasing you.